Jason Becker’s Words
Introduction
Hey homeboys and girls. Thank you for clicking this button. As you probably know, I am a guitarist/musician. You also probably know I have had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease) for over 20 years. In 1989, doctors told me I would probably die in 3 to 5 years. What you probably don’t know is why I am still alive, and why in the past four years I haven’t gotten any worse, only better. I have gained at least 30 pounds and three muscles, and this is with a few months here and there of getting off health food and treatments.
What follows is a hint of the nature of the book I am currently writing. Since most of this article was written for a spiritual magazine called “Self Realization”, it leans toward that aspect of my life. My book will have much more music and other stories about dealing with ALS, as well as more spiritual stuff.
Please take what you want and leave the rest. I sincerely hope you enjoy yourselves while reading this.
Included are other web sites or names that help and inspire me. Thanks.
By the way, Ammachi is my guru. Yogananda’s teachings, in themselves, are perfectly wonderful and, as you will see, they work. But to have a mahatma living like Amma, that you can actually talk to, and touch is the greatest thing one could hope for. An organization like “Self Realization Fellowship” sometimes thinks it can interpret the master’s teachings and not just let them stand on their own. All I am saying is no one religion or organization has a patent on enlightenment. Follow your own heart.
We live thinking we will never die.
We die thinking we had never lived.
Cut it out.
Part One
My Life, Music, Disease and Yogananda
Before I tell a little about my life and start gushing over Paramahansa Yogananda and Ammachi, let me say it is not my place to tell anyone how to live or think.
Most of my beautiful friends are not Self-Realization Fellowship members, although they respect Yogananda and Ammachi. I just think this could be a neat story that might increase one’s own faith, from wherever it stems.
When my parents (my first gurus) were young, they read Autobiography of a Yogi. So while I was growing up, I sometimes saw Yogananda’s picture on the front cover. Even when I was a toddler I thought, “this guy has all the answers”, just from the photo.
Ammachi
Paramahansa Yogananda
At sixteen I met my friend, Marty Friedman, a great guitarist, who had already made a few records. We made four albums of virtuoso-type guitar playing together, and played in Japan and across the U.S. We never got mega-famous together but we are known all over the world for our innovative style.
In 1989, I left to do my own music only. I joined David Lee Roth’s band when I was 20. Every guitarist would have killed for this gig because the two previous guitarists, Eddie Van Halen and Steve Vai were respected stars. In 1990, I won a readers’ poll for best new guitarist in “Guitar Magazine”.
One night I dreamed I was running. When I woke up I forgot I had a limp, so I walked totally normal until I remembered, “oh, yeah, I have a limp”. Then I immediately stumbled. That showed me that if you have control over your mind, you can do anything.
I could only do the lesson exercises in my head, but this never discouraged me because Master always includes us disabled folks. He doesn’t give us excuses. He always says if you can’t do everything, you can at least do it in your mind. He means it when he says God is for all.
In 1996, I could barely breathe unless I was totally reclined. Lack of air and so much fear made me very angry much of the time. This anger compounded because I got mad at myself for getting mad. Finally, in February 1997, I reluctantly went to get a tracheostomy (a tube through my throat for breathing) and a gastrostomy (a tube through my abdomen into my stomach for liquids). When I first got to the hospital I hadn’t slept for three days. I lay down and stopped breathing. Everyone was happy I was finally resting. My girlfriend came in and started worrying because I responded to nothing. After trying to comfort the ignorant lay people of my family, the doctor finally looked at my chart and me and realized I needed a breathing mask. I had carbon dioxide poisoning. I was close to being a veggie. I am so sorry for people whose lives slip away by human mistakes. I guess it was meant to be, but dang!
I only remember a few minutes of the next week. I had never taken any drug in my life. They had me on morphine and although I needed it and sometimes it felt good and helped me sleep, it made me feel even less in control and thus very angry with everyone, especially nurses.
The hospital staff wanted my family out, but only my family could communicate with me. My father invented an ingenious alphabet board with which there is no waiting and pointing like with most boards. Each letter is indicated by two specific eye movements. I can say anything I want very quickly. As soon as the staff saw that my family was not going to leave me for a second – out of love and necessity and not just to complain about the job they were doing – they were happy to have help.
One particular event in the hospital changed my life. I hadn’t slept for well over 36 hours. Every hour or two a nurse came in to stick a tube down my throat to suction out mucous from my lungs. This made me violently cough which made my groin unbearably painful. I felt that one more suction would literally kill me. I prayed to God very sincerely to not let me die without knowing the point of it all and learning more about Him. This night at 4:00 AM, my girlfriend was too exhausted to wake up. The nurse who then came in knew I was frantically trying to say no to suction, but she said, “I am just doing my job.” She wouldn’t wake my girlfriend up. When she finally left I lay in the dark feeling raped. I felt the life start to leave my body. My eyes were open but I couldn’t even tense one muscle. I started to black out. All at once I heard distant voices of people I love. After all this hellish fear and confusion, the good stuff began.
Without having read Yogananda’s lessons, this Grace of God (or my awareness of it) might have ended with this experience. But now I was fired up because Master’s words were proven. Every moment I could, I practiced the techniques and for once I could pray from my heart. God gave me many more lessons and visions. Words are inadequate to describe these. I am speechless in God’s love and perfection. He showed me that I would never truly leave the people I love. And God is playful. When I would start to drift off to sleep, He would gently but firmly tap my foot to wake me up. After a few times of opening my eyes to see no one there, I knew he was playing with me. God didn’t want me to sleep, He was having fun in our loving exchanges. Since this great couple of weeks I haven’t kept up the intensity, but I will always know God is with me, guiding me, ready to play, teach and love.
I hung pictures of the SRF Gurus in my hospital room. I had dim lighting and meditation music playing as often as possible. The staff always came into my room to relax and talk with my family to get away from the hectic hospital environment.
Now that my parents have seen the infinite ways Paramahansa Yogananda and Divine Mother are literally with me and with them, they faithfully read the Lessons and know they are not alone. The Richmond SRF Temple always sends my parents and me beautiful flowers.
These things are indispensable, no doubt, but there is something subtle which is growing more tangible every day (or I should say every month because I still make many mistakes, so I only see my progress when I look back and reflect). The constancy of ALS can be overwhelming. There is never a lunch hour or even a second break. Not only during my four hours a day of attempted meditation (or, as I call it, swallowtation, because spit rolls down my throat causing me to swallow a lot), but most minutes of the day I feel an inner peace. I know Master is taking most of the hell away, literally.
I once read a story about Master’s favorite disciple, Rajarsi Janakananda. Master had left the body. During Rajarsi’s last couple of years, he had a painful brain tumor, yet he was peaceful. He said Master often came into his body to take on the pain himself. I know Master loves his most mistake-ridden, forgetful, arrogant devotees like me as much as his favorite disciples. A dream-vision my mother had, proved what I already felt.
Master has taught me to love and respect saints of all religions. Thanks to Yogananda I am open to learn from Jesus and every saint I read about. A few times I have gone to see a great saint and healer, Mata Amritanandamayi, or Ammachi. Since I have a picture of Yogananda on my wheelchair, people always come up to talk about Him and are happy to know about the Richmond SRF Temple. The last day Ammachi was here, I was feeling a little guilty because I feel such love for her (even though Master is always in my mind). When I got home, there was a personal letter from the Mother Center with rose petals blessed at Guruji’s shrine. To me Master was saying, “I am always with you wherever you are. I know what is in your heart.”
Part Two
Ammachi
Every word I read drew me deeper into her. The music I heard and the ceremonies I saw on a video were weird to me at first, but her perfect love and presence made me know that was my problem and I would soon get over it.
After reading in a couple of her books of people crying when they meet her, I was a little nervous that I would do the same because I can’t hide my face. When I went for my first Darshan she was so sweet to me. She rubbed my legs, arms, chest and smothered my whole face with sandlewood paste and sacred ash. It was awesome but I didn’t cry so I thought I was safe. But when I wheeled back a few feet and saw her hug my father, I lost it. To see someone treating my big, bad, tough, smart father like her little boy was pretty neat. He didn’t have to be the responsible one for a minute. He could just lay in Amma’s lap and get loved. Then I thought that she does this for millions of people. And not only for that minute does she take our burdens if we let her. She will take all our burdens regardless of how good or bad we think we are. She looked at me crying with such an understanding face it melted me while my friend, Dave, rubbed my shoulders.
Before her next visit in June, I had been taking lortab (liquid vicadin) almost every day for months because it got rid of my intense runny nose. I had been feeling bad for not having the strength to stop, but if I didn’t take it someone would have to constantly wipe my nose. I didn’t want to take drugs around Amma, so I prayed to not need it during her visit. Eight days before she came I was able to stop taking it. I was grateful to get through the two weeks but now it has been six months since I took any drug, and I never feel like taking it, so I haven’t. Amma is the supreme drug.
During this June visit I had a couple of wishes that weren’t really big deals or what I would feel comfortable asking for. First, I had the wish for Amma to feed me a chocolate kiss.
She gives every one of the thousands of people she hugs and blesses a blessed Hershey’s kiss, but almost never puts it in their mouths. I had been to see her a few times but the very day I had the secret wish for her to put the kiss in my mouth, she did. Ok, neat coincidence.
So my weird wish was to have a little piece of Amma’s hair. To many people there is the energy, power and love of the whole universe in a great soul. Even their cells are different. For me it is like touching the robe of Jesus.
My prayer was answered in two ways. That day she grabbed my hand and put it on the back of her head for a few minutes. Later I saw a friend of mine who used to be a Self Realization Fellowship nun. She gave me a piece of Yogananda’s hair, out of the blue. I had never told one person of my wishes.
Since this time, I have seen Amma many more times. There are so many miracles and neat events that happen around her. Just when I think of her, amazing things happen. There are so many stories, but something makes me not want to tell them just yet. I need to absorb them inside first.